Crow's Feat!

From here on in you can just call me Tippi Hedren.
I am going OUT OF MY MIND.
I know, I know, before you all chime in and tell me that I didn't have a mind to begin with, I know.
Last week I was talking to a few people at the Gras when the subject of birds came up. We all noticed the presence of birds in the neighborhood. A lot of birds. Like thousands of birds.
Crows, exactly.
Well, now those thousands of crows moved in to my backyard.
I haven't slept in days. The sonofabitches keep squealing and doing whatever crows do ALL NIGHT LONG.
I am seriously going crazy. And now I think they are taunting me. Last night I was out in my yard banging my feet on my deck trying to scare them off. I was in my underwear, by the way. Yeah, I thought that alone would scare them. That's when they started taunting me! Assholes.

So first thing this morning I look up how to get rid of crows on the Internet. Didn't find much in the way of help, but I did find a bunch of comments from people who apparently have never been kept up all night by crows.
I will share a few of them here with you all.
Here's one from George.

"on 7/20/2008 Karen, I applaud your advocacy of nonlethal methods of dealing with "nuisance wildlife". Too many people share the attitude of our friend "Cops....247." Wildlife is getting crowded out of existence because there are too many people. Frankly it's unfortunate that the "nuisance people" in this world can't be shot and tied to poles. (Just kidding, sort of.)"
-George

George, let me tell ya, you will be the first human I tie on a pole.

Here's one from Regan:

"Birds also have a right to live in the world as we have. Just because we have occupied every available piece of land we can not drive them out."

Regan, I presume you are Regan from Exorcist fame? They have no right to be in my back yard, just like you have no right to be in my back yard at 4:00AM.

Bla, bla bla........So there you have it. I did not find a way to get rid of the crows. But I came up with a solution of my own. I am going to set off firecrackers every couple of minutes tomorrow night. In Shadyside. Should go over big with the neighbors. Although, I suspect I'll be a hero once they know why I did it.
Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Please have bail money ready and accept collect calls from prison.
Thank you.

Sarah Palin won't hesitate to run for president in 2012 if it's God's will...

Oh really? God's will?
Oh. God. Help. Us.
Keep talking girl. I hope you talk for four more years. Keep showing us just what kind of person you are. Show us whats really in your head----hot air.

Love it.
As long as she keeps talking, we're safe, people.

"I think the economic collapse had a heckuva lot more to do with the campaign's collapse than me personally,"
Uh, it might have, but you put the nail in the coffin.

"I did not know that it would be as brutal a ride as it turned out to be," she said.
What kind of ride did you think it would be actually? Same as trying to win 900 votes for mayor? Boy, it's really cut throat up there in Alaska, they even reelect a convicted felon for cryin out loud.

"The New York stylists who were already there and already orchestrating what the wardrobe should look like. Just like they have people to figure out what the staging and the lighting and everything else, the wardrobe, I guess, was a part of that."
You guess???? You guess????? Well, why the heck didn't you just ask God for the answer. Hey, when is that tag sale? She keeps talking about the convention clothes. Read between the lines. She's talking about three days worth of clothes. She does not mention returning tour clothes.

She really reached out to the feminists also last night when she said that they have to quit being narrow-minded and listen to what she has to say.
WHICH IS NOTHING, by the way. Geeze, don't ya just hate it that those there feminists n'at are so friggin' narrow-minded? Gawwwdddd, that gets on my last nerve.

So not much else is new. Winky is still babbling away. Full of hot air. And we will continue to be grateful every time she opens her mouth. All of us in the lower 48who don't have brain freezes anyway.
Can't wait till she has a press conference for 20 minutes this weekend. 20 Minutes????? That should be a riot.

Funny afterthought: We were watching McCain's concession speech on TV on election night. When he said he wanted to thank Sarah Palin, the whole place yelled, "So do we." Funny.
Also, I tend to believe these "reports" about her. One telling sign, when her and McCain left hotel the day after election day, McCain secretly got into his car and drove himself home. Her? She went by 10 car motorcade.

Unbelievable!
Someone just said she was optunistic, that's an understatment if I ever heard one!

And finally, I want to leave you with some wisdom from Margaret and Helen

Folks, I may not be here next time so I want you to remember this. You really should strive for a Presidential nominee who is smarter than you… someone who understands you but doesn’t necessarily need to have a beer with you. Strive for a Renaisance man… someone who knows that Walt Whitman wasn’t a guy who made chocolate candy. And a good rule of thumb from this point forward: someone who fully understands that the Flintstones isn’t a documentary.

So lets all pray to our God that Sarah Palin keeps on talkin' and keeps on winkin' because smart finally won!

See you all Thursday.

And for the record, I am not writing this in my parent's basement. However, I am in my PJ's.

Dear Ol' Dad!

I often mention my mother on this here blog. Maybe it's because she passed away and I miss her.But this week I am going to change the pace a little and talk about my dad.
Dear Old Dad.
Alot of you reading here know of him and his antics over the years.
He's quite the character.
This is a man who most of my friends feared. He "asked" more than a few of my friends to leave the house when I would manage to get myself into trouble growing up. Which was quite often, unfortunately. Just ask my friend Mary. She'll tell you.
He knows half of Pittsburgh from his basketball playing days at Cenral and the other half he coached at one time or another.
That's a whole other post.
Kids I grew up with who are now in their 50's still say that they would still be afraid to ever smoke a cigarette in front of him.
Having said that, this is the same man that would yell at the top of his lungs when I did something wrong. But would never, ever go to bed without apologizing to me. Which got me every time. The yelling never did much good. The talk after the fight made me feel like shit for being such an ass.
One time he smacked me, then he cried and said he was sorry. (I deserved much more than a little smack, by the way)
His bark is far worse than his bite.
When Devin was born premature and had to stay in the hospital, he watched over him, and cried and cried.

The one thing I am grateful to him for is the gift for speaking my mind. Or as Richard calls it "Sitting on her right" Over the years he makes me look tame.

My dad now lives most of his time up north in Conneaut Lake. At first I couldn't imagine him being up there in the middle of nowhere, out of Lawrenceville where he spent all of his 80 plus years.It helps that a few nephews play basketball for Allegheny and Tiel. That keeps him busy.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is because tonight when he called to say hello, he started telling me about the headline in the Meadville Tribune. Gun sales up in Crawford county since election day. What. The. Fuck???
Unbelievable. Really.
Ya know, you really, really need that assault rifle in Conneaut Lake. Geeze-oh-man.
It's not like they cling to their guns or religion or anything!

So we started talking about the election. Again.

Every morning he has his coffee and rye toast at this little diner. It's sort of a Mayberry-like place. The same 5 or six guys eat there daily. My dad probably being the oldest.
Naturally, they were all rooting for McCain. Wednesday morning the place was buzzing with opinions. One guy walked in and threw watermelon seeds on the counter and said "You all better start planting watermelons, they are going to be the national fruit" Can you believe it?
My father couldn't either.
He looked at all of them, stood up and told them all "Say what you want, but in all of my 85 years, I have seen alot of elections. I have never seen ANYONE dancing in the streets after the results were announced. The whole world is celebrating.And you guys are just missing it."
That's my dad!!!!!

Things I'm working on----A test to see who's smarter than a former vice-presidential candidate.
Any ideas???

How About These Apples?

ONE BAD APPLE

DON'T SPOIL THE WHOLE BUNCH------GIRRRRRLLLLL!

I Can See A New America From My House...

...."And I've never seen anything so beautiful in my entire life", as General Waverly says in the movie White Christmas (Or something like that)

I wish I would have had time to write this post last night or this morning. When I still thought for a brief moment that everyone would feel like I did. That everyone would see how this country, and the whole world, for that matter, were dancing in the streets. And in DC,at the same site of the 1968 riots, thousands danced in the street. Even in my neighborhood, fireworks were set off, horns were honking, people were cheering. Neighbors were in the street celebrating.
I thought they would feel as proud as I did last night, as my son came up to say good night to me, he sat on the edge of my bed,gave me a hug and said "Mom, WE won."

I assumed they would also feel tears on their cheeks when they watched Jesse Jackson in the audience at Grant Park. While thinking that they too did not agree with some of his antics over the years. But they would suddenly realize it was a means to an end. And maybe he just isn't that bad after all.

Didn't every ones brother, sister, aunt and cousin call to just say "Isn't this wonderful?" And I just knew they were also amazed at the fact that all circuits were jammed when they tried to use their cell phones a few minutes after 11.

And I know at least everyone in my family wished our mother were alive to see this moment. And we could they hear the sadness in our father's voice when he wished she was here too.

I went to bed at 3:30 AM feeling all was right with the world. My children and I were a little part of history.
I knew I should have gone to bed earlier, but just couldn't turn the TV off. And when I did finally turn it off I still couldn't sleep.
As I laid in the dark, names started running through my head that I thought I had long forgotten. Names of victims from decades ago that were part of my daily vocabulary while working in the Civil Rights Division of the FBI. I sure they were smiling down on America last night.

Yeah, I just wish I would have written this post before I opened my first e-mail of the day and it said this:

Terrorists all over the world are rejoicing over the
American majorities choice of our next Commander In
Chief. They are astounded at our stupidity.

or this:

How dare they vote when they have no idea what they're voting for. What a shame, or should I say sham!

Boy, did they miss something great!

Oh well, I'm guessing they are a little stunned right about now. The country they knew is gone. Their little corner of self righteous, narrow minded christian right America is becoming as small as their minds.

Replaced by a more hopeful America. A more empathetic America. A more compassionate America. And in the end, a far better America. Filled with REAL Americans from ALL walks of life.
In the words of my friend Ruth: "Perhaps we need a news bulletin telling everyone that one-size fits all doesn't work in pantie hose or people."

OK, Enough touchy-feely stuff for now, I have a reputation to protect!

So did anyone get any info telling us when Sarah Palin's is having her tag sale for charity? Make sure you let me know. I wouldn't want to miss it.

I'll talk about her tomorrow---Oh yes I can!

So it's finally here. I feel like I should be writing something profound. Something meaningful. Something to get us all out there to vote. But really folks, I don't think there's much else to say that hasn't been said already.

How about we just practice. OK? Repeat after me: President Obama, President Obama, President Obama!

For those of you who need that extra push. This will scare you. Repeat after me:
President Palin, President Palin, President Palin.
Yep, I thought that would get you off the couch.

I do want to say one thing. My first thought upon hearing Obama's grandmother died was sadness that she couldn't have lived one more day. But after thinking about it, maybe she had to get up there early to use her influence. Because there is no doubt where that woman is. Any woman who raised her African-American grandson in lilly white Kansas, during the 70's. And did it as well as she did, surely that woman earned her way to heaven.

Happy Election Day! Get out there and vote. As Harriet would say every election day morning when we would arrive at the polls to start working, "It's going to be a great day for the Democrats!"

Say it again, President Obama!