Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Thursday's AMG

This Thursday we will be at Mardi Gras for Melisa the bartender's last night.
She is leaving town.(sniff)
I will be there around 7:30.
I am getting a new computer this weekend, yee ha.....That means more blog posts.(As I am sure you all sit on the edge of your chair waiting for new posts......) I know you all do, don't lie.
Any way, I am in a hurry because I'm overbooked again and am running late.
Hopefully see you all tomorrow.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Free Seminar---How to get your name on the deed by the third date.....

Anger Management Girls are in for a rare treat.
You are all invited to a free seminar by popular speaker ”Victoria’s Biggest Secret”

Come to this free seminar and you'll learn how to get your name on his deed by the third date.

**As an added benefit, the first 20 to RSVP for this popular speaker will get info on how to get on a cell phone plan after only one date.

It's conveniently located at 910 Bellfonte Street in the heart of downtown Shadyside. (One block behind Doc's)
This popular speaker formally known as "Through the Tubes" has mesmerized audiences around the city.

Some of her more popular seminars include:
 Pole dancing on "Two Buck Chuck" at graduation parties.
 Boob sleeping in a crowded bar
 How to ask for car keys politely, 60 times a minute.
 And a Anger Management Favorite: How to avoid kissing people like bad Georgie in Mardi Gras.
 She is also the author of the best seller: "Me and My Gard"

Testaments to her popularity:
Cornbread from Carnegie writes: After hearing her seminar on two buck chuck, we now offer it in our bar and had to reinforce the polls.

Only joking, I am going to pay dearly for this post. It’s just that she has such a great sense of humor, it’s hard not to give her a hard time……..

This week’s anger management will be at Kathy’s lovely new home
@ 910 Bellfonte Street.
We are going to have drinks there first, around 7:00.Then maybe we will head to Cappy’s later.
See you all Thursday. Maybe she can give us all some pointers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God know's I can use them.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Funny Picture

Old Fool

This should be illegal. It really should. Joe Hardy should be in jail. What is her mother thinking? I hope they are not proud of her. What a fool this man is. I know some of you are saying she's laughing all the way to the bank. But really, all the money in the world couldn't get me to wake up next to this guy for the next few years. Yes, a few years, at most, is all these things last.They usually die off when Miss 20 something gets out of college and starts making her own money and doesn't need Mr. Old man's money anymore. Or in the case of the new Mrs. Hardy, steals enough money to get herself on easy street for the rest of her life.
Wonder what these fools who date younger women tell themselves. Better yet, wonder how they feel when the maitre d' at a Restaurant says to them Mr. So and So, you and your daughter's table is ready.
I don't know, given the chance when I was 22, maybe I would have went out with a man over 45, for beer money. That's about it. It's not the the saggy asses, that's for sure.
Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with dating an older man, but at least wait until you're pushing 30.
30 is different. Woman are different at 30. A 30 year old with someone 40, 50, 60, 70, or 80 for that matter is her own business. But 20 year olds are kids for God's sake. And a man over 45 years old dating a 20 something should be in jail.

The following is my favorite essay from Andy Rooney, it says it all.

As I grow in age, I value older women most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

An older women will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

An older women knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants from whom.
Few woman past the age of 50 give a damn what you think about her.

An older single woman usually has had her fill of "Meaningful relationships" and "commitment". The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!

Older woman are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera, or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often undeserved.

An older women has the self-assurance to introduce you to her woman friends. A younger women with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Older women couldn't care less.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older women. They always know.

An older women looks good in red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Her libido's stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone. Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal and she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 50, there is a balding 50 year old man in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 23 year old waitress. (My personal favorite....)

Ladies, I apologize for all of us. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to appreciate the exquisite woman you've become, without distraction of some demanding old man clinging and whining his way into your serenity.

Signed: Andy Rooney

Think Andy is available? All's he needs is a little eyebrow trim.

See you all tomorrow. $2.00 beers.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

I'll have a grilled swiss cheese on rye please, please, please

Bobby: I'd like a plain omelet. No potatoes, tomatoes instead. A cup of coffee and wheat toast.
Waitress: No substitutions.
Bobby: What do you mean? You don't have any tomatoes?
Waitress: Only what's on the menu. You can have a number two — a plain omelet. It comes with cottage fries, and rolls.
Bobby: Yea, I know what it comes with, but it's not what I want.
Waitress: Well I'll come back when you make up your mind.
Bobby: Wait a minute, I have made up my mind. I'd like a plain omelet, no potatoes on the plate. A cup of coffee and a side order of wheat toast.
Waitress: I'm sorry, we don't have any side orders of toast. I'll give you a English muffin or a coffee roll.
Bobby: What do you mean "you don't make side orders of toast"? You make sandwiches, don't you?
Waitress: Would you like to talk to the manager?
Bobby: You've got bread. And a toaster of some kind?
Waitress: I don't make the rules.
Bobby: OK, I'll make it as easy for you as I can. I'd like an omelet, plain, and a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast, no mayonnaise, no butter, no lettuce. And a cup of coffee.
Waitress: A number two, chicken sal san. Hold the butter, the lettuce, the mayonnaise, and a cup of coffee. Anything else?
Bobby: Yeah, now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich, and you haven't broken any rules.
Waitress: You want me to hold the chicken, huh?
Bobby: I want you to hold it between your knees.

Does this scene with Jack Nicholson from Five Easy Pieces remind anyone of something?

Docs, last Thursday:
Eileen: I want a grilled swiss cheese on Rye please, (OK, so I didn't say please)
Dumb Waitress: That's not on the menu.
Eileen: You have rye bread and swiss cheese don't you.
Dumb waitress: Yes
Eileen: So you can make a grilled swiss on rye.
Dumb Waitress: I don't know how I would write that on the check.
Eileen: How about this, You have Reuben's don't you.
Dumb waitress: Yes
Eileen: Just give me a Reuben sandwich and hold everything but the swiss cheese.
We all know what happened next.
After waiting for an hour and a half, no kidding. She brought out a grilled sauerkraut sandwich.(NO CHEESE ON IT)
I gave up.
Put Doc's on our list girls.
I have a tendency to be impatient with alot of people((I know, what a shocking revelation), waitresses and bartenders are usually not on that list. (I need their services too often) This girl couldn't possibly have been this stupid.
OK, I feel better now that I got that off my chest.
I didn't even feel the need to mention Joyce and the whole lost purse and car thing.
See you all tonight at Lot 17.

I will not be ordering grilled cheese.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Otis' Vacation

Sorry, I am writing this on the fly because I am having a great time on my vacation.
Oh wait, I am not on vacation.
But my new friend Otis is.
I am exhausted.
I have been out every night since last Wed. with more than few of those nights ending after 4 AM.
Hopefully I still have a job after he heads back to Texas.
Only joking.
It's been fun though.
I promised him I would write about something on today's blog, but I am too tired to think of anything creative on that subject today.
Sorry Otis.
I'll rant,I promise, but give me a few days to make it a good one!

This week's anger management:
How about Cappy's?
If it's nice, we can sit outside.
See you all tomorrow around 8.

This weeks objective: Convince Otis that he belongs in Pittsburgh because he shouldn't spend eternity with someone he loves, but can't stand.......that, and Houston is ugly, not to mention the whole Enron thing and the Bush's, lack of community. Geeze, I could go on and on. But that's a whole other post, I promise.