Wednesday, December 17, 2008

When It Comes Down To It, We're All Just A Bunch Of Jagg-Off's!

Before I get into this story, can I just say that I can parallel park like I've been driving for 30 years. But where I seem to have a problem is the easy, pull into a parking lot stuff that it becomes clear I've only been driving for 3 years. So they don't teach you how to pull into a parking lot in driving school, shoot me.

I'm fessing up here, just so you know. When you are looking for a parking space in a crowded lot, you know that asshole who takes up two or three spots? Yeah, that's me. Sorry. I don't mean it. Really, I don't. I don't know what it is. I just can't judge accurately.
But hey, you should see the itty-bitty spaces I get that big ass Escelade into on a city street. Unbelievable.
Lately I have been having car problems so I've been driving either a pick up truck or an Escalade. Hmm, this could easily be a metaphor for my life.
Anyway, this morning I had to drive into town to speak before City Council (Another story I'll tell you all about later, I promise).
So I parked in the Kaufman's lot. I checked my parking job before walking away. It wasn't perfect, but hey, it was one of my better ones. So I went on my merry way.

Imagine my surprise when I return an hour later to find the following note on my car. I am quoting here folks:

'Hey- Jagoff! You made it pretty hard for me to get into my car by the way you parked. Have a little consideration for other people!! Hope your kindness all comes back to you in spades!! (insert happy face)
Merry Christmas!'

Ok Bitch, those are fightin' words. I sure hope your reading. Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you too! Thanks for understanding. Jagg Off!


Kelley said...

Yeah. That was me. Damn you.

(and I cannot parallel park to save my life)

Kathy said...

I am still laughing at that one!! People tend to have high stress levels this time of year and aren't very forgiving to those who make mistakes. I hope things go better for you next time you have to park one of those huge automobiles. Have a better day. =)

Judi said...

Okay...I'm positive it was one my jagg-off Beechview cousins. Since I've moved to Mt. Lebo,I haven't called anyone that name! But---oh yeah, they are always saying--"what the fuck jaggoff?", "how the fuck are yinz jaggoffs?" or "you fucking jagg-off..." I know for sure it's not my cousins from Little Washington--they would have made some reference to your BIG ASS CAR first then called you a Jagg-off later. Although...come to think of could have been my Brookline cousins...they seem to like to use happy faces when they say jagg-off. Then again, it might just be my Dormont cousins...they tend to look for retribution. Well, whichever cousin it was, I apologize profusely for them. They know no what they do....especially in dntn Picksburg...
Speaking of cousins...Ang clued me in that you're driving an must be from Shadyside!
So...tell us...what did you say to City Council?

Founder, Organizer, Mayor and Chief Cook And Bottle Washer of the Anger Management Girls. said...

Not that this is funny or anything, but look at what he says in the article.

I don't think he's jaggin around!

Anonymous said...


I know you are my sister and all that, but I can certainly understand that guys point of view. I hate it when big cars can't park. My feeling is that if you can't park it, don't drive it.
So there you have it!

The Madonna

Ms. B. said...

All yinz jag-offs best be better leaving my man alone.

They threw away the Jag-off mold after they made him. I bet the driver was a Sacred Heart or Cathedral grad. I have a witness as to my whereabouts during the attempted hit and run. M
Maybe you folks up there haven't heard we don't run people over with cars. Throwing shoes seems to be the thing. For only 2 years in an Iranian prison I might want to give it a shot to smack W with a boot. W sure ducked those shoes just like he did the draft.

Scoop (rmb)

Gerry said...

You really crack me up! I would have just fluffed it off with any person parking crappy. I am not the worlds' best "parking in a lot" either. I tell you what drives me nuts are the people that don't use turn signals. When I found out it isn't illegal not to use them I just about had a heart attack. It just isn't fun driving...we need a limo and a driver. If I ever get one, I will find you one too.