Doctor My Eyes Have Seen The Years...

This was in an e-mail from my friend Mary. I elect this Dr. as the official Dr. of the Anger Management Girls. Some of us are getting up there in age ya know!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100%of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

*Late addition that has nothing to do with anything! Woaaa, how about this? Just read this on Post Gazette web site. This is a big deal folks!
One thing, the damn skanky dirty trust fund babies/professional protesters better stay the hell out of my way!
I mean it. Someone better warn them.
Maybe a few of them will actually outgrow this thing, get a haircut, take a bath and get a job by September.
I know, I know, what can I say. I have always been a optimist. HA!
If not I'll just have to call the good Dr. mentioned above to give me some Valium while they are here. (Or maybe he should give it to them?)

Alone Again...... Naturally!

While I appreciate the fact that I am kid-less this week, they didn't have to take my laptop with them!!!!
They can stay up the lake all summer, just bring me my computer back. I miss my blogger peeps!

*Role reversal: Soon as I had the house to myself, I did what any 22 year old would do. I had a party!

Smile........

So I had a great time at the Bruce concert. On the way to the Civic Arena (yes, it's still the Civic Arena) we spotted about six Penguin players walking into the concert. They were so accommodating. People were just mobbing them to get a picture and they graciously smiled and posed.
My friend and I were walking by and I wanted to get a picture. Being the great photographer I am I wanted to share with you all.

Don't you think Jordan Staal's jeans look great?

LETS GO PENS!

Bruuuuuce!!!!!

I saw rock and roll's future tonight and its name is (STILL) Bruce Springsteen!

He was as good tonight as he was the first time I saw him. In 1973. One thing I don't understand. How come I got old and he didn't?

Thanks to my friend Andy my seats were in E2.(second row from floor in the Igloo Club).

*Pic above is taken from my cell phone.

Praise The Lord And Pass The Ammunition

I am so sick of the protests surrounding President Obama's commencement speeches.
First Arizona. They decided not to give him an honorary degree because they feel that he hasn't done anything to earn it yet.
Oh really?
First black African American president of Harvard Law Review.
Illinois State Senator, United States Senator.
President of the United States while still in his 40's.
You get the point.
We should all be such under-achievers.

Then there's the whole Notre Dame mess. What a bunch of assholes. Look up what a catholic should be jerks. Who comes to mind? George Bush? He signed 152 death warrants before becoming president.
Though shall not kill huh?
Well.........not so fast.
Who decides what killing is a sin? Isn't killing killing period? It shouldn't matter if they are an inmate or an unborn child.

President Obama is the epitome of what we as catholics should be. If I had to choose who will have an easier time answering to God at the pearly gates. My money is going on Obama. Hands down.

Get over it people. If you are against abortion, don't have one and mind your own damn business.

While I'm at it, if you are against gay marriage. Don't marry a gay.

It's really that simple. I will live my life and answer to my God. I think he wouldn't be so gosh darn judgemental.

This all reminds me of my favorite bumper sticker. The moral right is neither moral OR right.

Just a few conclusions I've reached during my EIGHTEEN YEARS of Catholic School.
(When I was not paying attention in English Class!)
Just sayin'.

A Complicated Relationship

I found this photo on the Post Gazette web site. The couple in the picture is my nephew, the Madonna's son, Jeffrey Andrew David and his fiance Kristy. Born and raised in the DC area, he is a die-hard Capitol fan. Kristy was born and raised in the Burg so of course she feels the same about her Penguins. They have been traveling back and forth from DC to Pittsburgh for all the games.
While walking hand in hand to tonight's game, a few DC reporters caught them and they were interviewed on a DC TV station.

Poor Jeff, we had fun with him throughout the series.
The last text messages we sent each other.
Me: Whose cryin' now?
Jeff: You are uninvited to my wedding
Me: I don't need you, Kristy will invite me!

Sorry Jeff, we still love you. You can put the Ovechkin shirt away and start wearing that Pens shirt I bought you for Christmas!

LETS GO PENS!

We Could'a Been Contenders!

So.... we were supposed to be Pierogi's tomorrow night at the Pirate game. But they won't let us because, get this, they now have PROFESSIONAL PIEROGI'S.
WTF? Professional Pierogi's???????
Just what every parents dreams their kid will be.
I can hear it now.

Recent College Grad: Hey mom, I finally got a job.

Proud Mom: Oh honey, I am so proud of you. I knew you could do it. Even in this bad economy, my child managed to get a job. I can't wait to tell Hilda next door. You know, her daughter graduated from Harvard last year and she still can't find a job. Tell me son, how are the benefits?

RCG: Oh yeah. Really good mom.

PM: Jesus, Mary and Joseph and all the Saints in Heaven. Thank you.

RCG: I get to go to all the Pirate games for free.

PM: What?

RCG: Pirate games, I can go to all of them for free.

PM: Well, I guess that's a nice benefit. What about health care.

RCG: Well no, they didn't mention anything about that.

PM: So tell me all about your new job. What exactly will you be doing? What engineering firm are you going to be working for?

RCG: Engineering firm? Mom, I'm not exactly going to be using that engineering degree.

PM: What? Well, that's ok honey. Everyone has to start somewhere. What exactly are you going to be doing?

RCG: (States proudly)Mom, you are looking at the new Sauerkraut Saul. I am going to be a full time pierogi at the Pirate games.

RCG: Mom, mom. Mom, are you ok. Mom, get up mom.

Or how about this scenario:

Recently engaged daughter: Mom, Dad. I have great news. I met the man I am going to marry.

Mom and Dad: Oh honey, that is wonderful. So tell me, what does our new son-in-law do?

REW: He's a professional pirogi!

REW: Hey, let me out of this basement. Come on, it's dark in here. Let me out!

Sigh, oh well. We would have been the best damn pierogi's there ever was!

If only in our dreams.

My Two Cents (for what it's worth)

Some stuff in the news the last few days that deserves/demands my commentary.

How about the guy from Grove City who did porn movies to pay his way through college? Oh, how I wish he would have gotten away with it. Not only were they porn movies, they were gay porn movies.

He was two weeks away from graduation when someone saw it and spread the word quickly through the college.

So much for the whole thou shall not judge thing I guess.

I just have one question. The person who found him, what the hell were they doing on a gay porn site?

Hypocrites.

We all know where I stand on health insurance. But after I read this in last week's Post Gazette, I was left thinking WTF?

The article talks about how the job market is affecting recent college grads leaving them uninsured. OK so far.

But then I read the comment from one recent grad from Point Park University. She says" she's "horrified" at the prospect of having no job and no health insurance. She wants to work but says she may have to look at graduate school instead.
"I would do that only for the health insurance, which is a sad reality," she said"

So let me get this straight. Is she saying she will pay upwards of $20,000 for graduate school just for the health insurance? She is a college graduate, did she ever figure out that being young and healthy she could purchase her own insurance for about $100.00 a month?

These kids are clueless. Mine included!

Which brings me to my lovely angels.

We were going to Cranberry (Timbuktu) for a graduation party Saturday. I asked my son to look up directions on mapquest. He starts then says he can't finish because it gives him three choices and he doesn't know which Cranberry I want. One was in Butler County, one in Bucks County, one in some other far away place I can't remember.

Seriously people. I said to him you don't honestly know which one. He said no. My 24 year old did not know Cranberry was in Butler County. He told me he doesn't know where Butler County is.

I said look at ZIP codes. One was 151 the others were 190. Which does he think it is.
Again didn't have a clue.

Christ, I hate to say it, but when I was his age, I was hitch hiking through Butler County (And Bucks County too come to think of it!)

Oh well. I guess I have only myself to blame.

Does anyone else want to waterboard Dick Chenney? What an appropriate first name.
RUN DICK RUN.
SEE DICK RUN AWAY.
Please Dick, run away.

How about these Pen games? Holy hell. My heart can't take much more. They are now referring to Ovechkn as "Oven Chicken". Funny. Get it? His name is looks like someone is texting oven chicken.

Anger Management Girls are going to the Pirate game this Thursday, so I'm guessing lots of stories for next week!

Last but certainly not least, look closely at the picture below. To the front right of the red van. Some idiot woman is riding a bike through Shadyside this morning during the height of rush hour with HER KID ATTACHED on one of those wagon thingees on the back of the bike. This is child abuse. Pure and simple. CYS should take that child just as they would take away a child from parents who send their child to play in traffic.
Come on lady, have a little common sense for cryin' out loud!!!!
This reminds me of something Miss California would do!

Some poor soul will end up hitting the kid and his life will be ruined just because some nut didn't have enought common sense to know not to take their kid on a bike ride through inner city streets at rush hour.

Happy Mother's Day

My mother passed away over nine years ago. There is not a day that goes by that I don't missed her. "Harrietisms" pop out of my mouth a few times a day and they still make me laugh.
I have turned into my mother. I don't mind.

At my mothers funeral, I delivered the eulogy. Her friends would ask me, how did you do that? It must have been so hard. To tell you the truth, it was not hard at all. I wrote it hastily on a piece of paper around midnight before her funeral mass. They say you should write about what you know. Well, I knew Harriet. I took the words right from peoples comments at the funeral home.

Here is what I came up with:

Everyone has a Harriet story. Today, I'm going to mention a few that I heard over the last few days. At least the ones I can repeat in church.

There are four things my mom loved in this world.
1. Her Husband
2. Her Kids
3. Her Grand kids
4. Layaway
Not necessarily in that order.

She seemed to always make scenes in front of priests---Father, you know what I'm talking about don't you?

My Mother NEVER held a grudge.

She was a "child bride"

I believed that the gray streak in her hair was paint until I was 21.

She had hundreds of good times in Conneaut throughout her life. And who will ever forget the infamous "fall under the car"

She went to weight watchers and stopped after every meeting at Eat'n Park for a strawberry sundae.

She was responsible for getting all the guys at Quincy's Pub to quit swearing and watch The Guiding Light.

I guess now my sister and I have to learn how to hang and wash curtains.

She was the only person I know who believed OJ was innocent.

She was constantly telling my father he was hard of hearing when she couldn't hear herself.

She believed there was nothing like a good night at Zalewski's.

She honestly believed the Devinney boys were angels.

We were all sworn to secrecy about how she looked in a bathing suit.

How many times have we all heard my father yell "Good God Harriet"

She was every ones Aunt Harriet. Now even her great nieces and nephews friends call her Aunt Harriet.

You see, she wasn't just a Green or a Quinlan. She was a Devinney, a McGregor, a Gallagher, and an Olzak. She was a Piezak, a Flannery, a Neuch, and a Slemenda. She was part of everyones family.

I always thought if ones wealth is measured by friends instead of money, mom was a multi-millionaire.

I want to thank everyone here for being such good friends to her.

One of the nicest things I've heard over the past few days came from one of our old neighbors. This woman lived next door to us for about two years when she was 7 years old. She was now in her late 40's. When she read about mom's passing in the newspaper, she came to the funeral home because she just wanted us to know what a difference my mother had made in her life in the few short years they were neighbors. They were neighbors 35 years ago!!!

I want to leave you all today with one last thought. There is no need to worry about missing my mother. All of my life I've been told that my mother will never be dead as long as I'm alive. That surely is the best compliment I've ever been told in my life. If I can be half the person she was, or have half the amount of friends in my life then I'll die a millionaire too.

MY MOM
Harriet Green Quinlan
Dec. 14, 1929 - January 19, 2000

As we say in the Quinlan Family: "Be dood to yo muddel Modwet". (Translation: Be Good To Your Mother Margret) Happy Mothers Day.

*Note: The woman I mentioned above who said my mother made such a difference, we lived next door to them when her little brother was dying of polio. My mother helped her mom while he was sick. Jimmy died when he was 5. My father was a pal bearer.

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

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As the daughter of the man who taught Bobby Knight the proper technique for throwing a chair, it suddenly all makes sense.
Anger is hereditary. I should'a had an inkling.

If I had to prove this theory, I would mention the time that my father had a record 12 technicals in one game. When he was kicked out of the game, he took my sister (who was about one or two years old), set her in the center of the basketball court and told the refs she wasn't moving until they let him back in the game.
The Madonna, being the Madonna, did just as she was told and sat in her pretty dress, center court....... at least until they threw the whole family out of the building!

Dear ol' Dad. I bet he was really proud when I drove my car up over the sidewalk to knock over tables in the Strip because some jerk was....well....being a jerk.

The whole episode led to Anger Management Thursdays. Now that is a good story, and one of these days, hopefully I'll tell it on this here blog in a way that won't lose something in translation.

Weekend Notes

Note to Self:

Dear Self,

When going anywhere with the Felion sisters, take your own car.

Yours truly,

Eileen

Note t0 Felion Sisters:

Dear Michelle and Mary Fran,

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yours Truly,
Wrong Way Eileen

Aaaaand Their Off.............

I love, love, love the Kentucky Derby.
My claim to fame? I used to go to Kentucky Derby and the Preakness every year,
But I never saw a horse!
(Although I certainly felt the ground rumbling under my feet. Weird)

Enjoy your Mint Juleps.